Tuesday, August 24, 2010

sneak attack

I admit it.  I am sneaky.  There are times when I try my hardest to hide what I am doing from those that I love most.  Actually it doesn't matter who you are, I will try to hide what I am up to.  Sometimes I sneak around after the family is in bed.  Sometimes I sneak around at work.  Sometimes I sneak around all over town.  I think it is time to finally admit that I am in fact a sneak eater.

As a child I would creep into the kitchen at home or at my grandparent's house and sneak out extra snacks.  The thing to do was to wait until no one else was in the kitchen and take two instead of one and then hide the wrapper under other trash.  Growing older did not mean that I stopped this behavior. 

There were times when I would go buy 2 candy bars while at work and eat one going down the hall and the other when I got back to my classroom.  Sometimes I would just hide food in my desk drawer and sneak bites all day.  I am a night owl and staying up late always means snacks.  My family will be in bed while I am up eating cookies and chips.  This is a time when no one is looking at what I eat and I can raid the cabinets without worrying that people will see and judge me.  Being in my car alone is also a good time to eat without regard.  Many times I would stop at a store and buy food then drive just a short way down the road to buy more.  I did this because I did not want anyone to realize that I was buying such a load of junk for myself. 

This is all very hard for me to admit.  The load of guilt I carry is almost as heavy as the extra pounds that I am now starting to lose. My need to eat in secret is not something I can explain nor can I pinpoint one event that made me hide and eat.  There are things in everyone's life that makes them hurt and react with emotion.  Each individual handles these emotions in various ways and my response was to eat.  Besides, as I have said in a previous post, I love to eat.  It came down to doing something that I love and maybe making myself feel better in the process.  Trouble with that plan was it was horrible for me physically. 

Now I watch what I eat and I am trying to be healty but there are still times when I hide the kinds or amount of  food that I am taking in.  The times are much fewer and farther apart but there are still nights that I raid the cabinet and scarf down sweets and carbs.  I am fighting the urges and winning more often than not and that is progress.  I have begun to change my routine to break these habits.  For example, I do not take change to work so that way I am unable buy from the vending machine.  At night I have to turn off the TV and turn in early to avoid sneak eating.    In my car I pass by fast food and convenience stores or send my son in for me when I have to stop and am feeling weak. 

Losing the fat and looking good is a great thing but even better than that is being healthy and breaking bad habits.  Breaking bad habits that I will not pass on.  My 7 year old told me this week that she was looking forward to going back to school.  She said that she wanted to have better school habits so that she would learn more this year.  When I heard her say this I knew that the comment was directly related to the words I use to describe what I am working toward.  My use of the phrase "healthy habits" has spilled over to her thoughts and ambitions.  My son has started asking everyday if we are going to the gym and even if we do not go he goes out and exercises anyway here at home.  This is what my ultimate goal is all about.

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