Tuesday, August 24, 2010

sneak attack

I admit it.  I am sneaky.  There are times when I try my hardest to hide what I am doing from those that I love most.  Actually it doesn't matter who you are, I will try to hide what I am up to.  Sometimes I sneak around after the family is in bed.  Sometimes I sneak around at work.  Sometimes I sneak around all over town.  I think it is time to finally admit that I am in fact a sneak eater.

As a child I would creep into the kitchen at home or at my grandparent's house and sneak out extra snacks.  The thing to do was to wait until no one else was in the kitchen and take two instead of one and then hide the wrapper under other trash.  Growing older did not mean that I stopped this behavior. 

There were times when I would go buy 2 candy bars while at work and eat one going down the hall and the other when I got back to my classroom.  Sometimes I would just hide food in my desk drawer and sneak bites all day.  I am a night owl and staying up late always means snacks.  My family will be in bed while I am up eating cookies and chips.  This is a time when no one is looking at what I eat and I can raid the cabinets without worrying that people will see and judge me.  Being in my car alone is also a good time to eat without regard.  Many times I would stop at a store and buy food then drive just a short way down the road to buy more.  I did this because I did not want anyone to realize that I was buying such a load of junk for myself. 

This is all very hard for me to admit.  The load of guilt I carry is almost as heavy as the extra pounds that I am now starting to lose. My need to eat in secret is not something I can explain nor can I pinpoint one event that made me hide and eat.  There are things in everyone's life that makes them hurt and react with emotion.  Each individual handles these emotions in various ways and my response was to eat.  Besides, as I have said in a previous post, I love to eat.  It came down to doing something that I love and maybe making myself feel better in the process.  Trouble with that plan was it was horrible for me physically. 

Now I watch what I eat and I am trying to be healty but there are still times when I hide the kinds or amount of  food that I am taking in.  The times are much fewer and farther apart but there are still nights that I raid the cabinet and scarf down sweets and carbs.  I am fighting the urges and winning more often than not and that is progress.  I have begun to change my routine to break these habits.  For example, I do not take change to work so that way I am unable buy from the vending machine.  At night I have to turn off the TV and turn in early to avoid sneak eating.    In my car I pass by fast food and convenience stores or send my son in for me when I have to stop and am feeling weak. 

Losing the fat and looking good is a great thing but even better than that is being healthy and breaking bad habits.  Breaking bad habits that I will not pass on.  My 7 year old told me this week that she was looking forward to going back to school.  She said that she wanted to have better school habits so that she would learn more this year.  When I heard her say this I knew that the comment was directly related to the words I use to describe what I am working toward.  My use of the phrase "healthy habits" has spilled over to her thoughts and ambitions.  My son has started asking everyday if we are going to the gym and even if we do not go he goes out and exercises anyway here at home.  This is what my ultimate goal is all about.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

run your own race

"I have tried everything but just can't lose weight."  "I am happy being this size."  "It is too hard to get out and exercise."  "My schedule is so full I don't have time to cook or exercise."  "I don't know how to cook the right foods."  "I get tired of eating healthy food."

If I had a dollar for the times I have said or heard those phrases, I would have a better looking bank account.  Lately, I have wanted to spread the great news that it IS possible to change your life and to get yourself healthy.  What I have come to realize is that even though I see it clearly as the thing a person should do for themselves, not everyone is ready to do that.  I know.  I have been there.  I even have the 2X t-shirt to prove it.

This week someone shared an outlook on life with me and although she could not quote this word for word I can google anything.  Here is what I found. 

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely
in an attractive and well preserved body,
But rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand,
wine in the other,
body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!"

 I can understand this line of thinking and I have to say that I DO intend to live my life to the fullest, but I want to be here for as long as possible.  If I continued on the kind of path the poem is talking about it was going to be an early grave for me.  The way I am living now it can be a longer trip on Earth and I can take care of the body God gave me so that I can enjoy life to it's fullest.  Tomorrow is not promised but I am going to spend my todays taking care of what I have.  I suppose I just can't make everyone feel the same way.

Last week a wise lady said my new favorite quote.  She said, "You have to run your own race."  She was not referring to the topic I am writing about here but I felt it fit perfectly.  I feel like her message was telling me to run this race and those that want to will run their own race too.  Maybe I will get the chance to give some advice, ideas and encouragement along the way but you just can't force people to get on the path. 


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

how the other half lives

A victory is a victory, no matter how small.  I like to shop at a certain store that has the plus size clothes on one side of the store and the non plus size clothes on the other side.  Previously I found myself on the plus size side but today I fdiscovered out how the other half lives.

When I entered the store I hesitated. Which way do I go? Should I start on the plus side and see how that goes or do I go to the other side and feel embarassed if I can't find anything that fits? I drew in a deep breath and headed straight to the "regular" sizes.

I could always see the other side where the "regular" size clothes hung but I felt that if I looked too long over that way people would snicker at my foolishness.  They would think I was crazy for thinking I could fit into any of those items and they would probably wonder if I was shopping for someone else.  Funny thing is, I have had the same thoughts when I see someone like me shopping outside of the plus section. 

In the dressing room I started to doubt my decision but when I slid on the first pair of pants I knew it was going to be fine.  Everything I took in not only fit but it looked great.  Leaving the store I had 3 pairs of pants and 3 tops that I can wear to work this week that won't look like a sack hanging on me. 

Now I have crossed over to the other side and I am not looking back!

Monday, August 16, 2010

eyes of a killer

Have you ever known that you were looking into the eyes of a killer?  I have.  Each morning when I look into the mirror I lock eyes with a killer.  My choices have been killing me and I am my own victim.

This statement may sound dramatic to you but to me it was a shocking realization.  The truth is that I have been slowly killing myself for years.  My eating habits and lack of exercise are part of the problem.  I now know that my attitude toward myself has as much to do with my state of health as much as anything else.  My way of thinking has always been that if you did for yourself before others that you were doing something wrong.  It was that attitude that gave me the perfect excuse not to cook the way I like or take time to be active. 

Lately when I look in that mirror I am starting to see the "real" me.  I see a woman that feels more self worth and wants to get healthy so she can see her kids grow up.  I see a woman that does not want to miss out on the fun because she felt fat or slow or ashamed.  I see a woman that is developing her build into something people may one day refer to as "athletic".  I see a woman that wants to be a healthy example for her children.  But most of all I see a woman that loves herself as much as she loves those around her and is not afraid to put herself first sometimes.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

mountain top

  There are moments in everyone's life that can be considered "mountain top" moments.  I define this as having a feeling of certainty, a time of clarity, and/or feeling the spirit of God wash over you.  Recently, I had all three of these things happen at once. 

Each morning there is an assorted group of friends that meet at 6am to hit the pavement to walk, run or walk and run.  We are all at various stages of athletic ability but usually there are enough of us that we end up being at least paired up for the trek.  Occasionally you may end up by yourself and this particular morning I was alone at the end of the line.  I had been pushing myself to run but was finding it difficult to sustain the pace and of course I was berating myself about being a big, fat slow poke.

 As I topped a hill at about mile 2.5 my eyes were opened and I had my "mountain top" moment.  There standing at the edge of the woods staring at me was a deer.  I never stopped walking but this deer and I just kept looking at each other for what seemed like an eternity.  When it did decide to walk away it wasn't in a hurry but just turned to leave.  When I turned my eyes back to my path I saw the sun coming up over the mountain and it's rays were beaming through the morning clouds.  I felt God's peace wash over me.  I was so humbled and thankful that I began to cry.  Between the tears I began to thank God outloud for all of my many blessings and for allowing me to be out there and be able to take charge of my well being.  No longer did I feel like the fat girl left behind.  I was reminded that I am a daughter of God and He gave me the ability to change my own situation. 

It was that moment that I concluded that it does not matter if I walk, run, hop, skip, jump or spread my wings and fly.  The most important thing is that I am out there putting one foot in front of the other and I am making progress one step at a time.  Let me just say that it feels great!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010



1 onion
about 5 yellow squash
1 cup of greek yogurt
20 wheat Ritz crackers
1 cup of cheese
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

pre-heat oven to 400
Slice squash and onion into a pot and add water to boil
boil until tender, drain
mix in cheese and yogurt
add to casserole dish
crumble Ritz crackers on top
spray with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
bake until crackers are toasted

8 servings
3 points per serving


bag of small red or yellow potatoes
garlic powder
olive oil cooking spray

pre-heat oven to 450
boil potatoes and remove from water
spray cookie sheet with cooking spray and sprinkle garlic powder
place potatoes on pan and mash them down with a large spoon or spatula
spray potatoes with cooking spray
salt and pepper to taste
bake until crispy (to taste)

**I also roast other vegetables (squash, potatoes, cabbage, peppers, onions are some faves) in the same way without boiling them first.  I just cut them in fairly thin slices and put them on the pan. **

Some recipes

I have been unable to follow my regular routine so I thought I would post some recipes.


1 pack of flat bread ( I like the brand Flatout)
1 jar of salsa
1 pack of taco seasoning
1 lb. hamburger
1 pack of mexican blend cheese
1 can of mexicorn
cooking spray
cookie sheet

pre-heat oven to 400
brown ground beef, drain, add pack of taco seasoning (follow directions on pack)
spray pan with cooking spray and add flatbread
spread salsa onto the flatbread leaving about a 1 inch edge on the bread
sprinkle ground beef and corn to taste
place into the oven and leave until the bread starts to crisp
add cheese and put into the oven until melted

We love these and even add sour cream on the side.  The measurements on this are pretty much to taste but since I do Weight Watchers when I make them I measure them to be about 5 points.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

What's my story?

Ok.  Here I am.  This is my official blog about the changes and new direction in my life.  My endevor into blogging is at my sister in law's insistence that I would be able to encourage or inspire someone else with my journey.  So here is the story....

My mother is heavy and has been for as long as I can remember.  When she was young she had a small waist but I suppose marriage and kids changed that.  She is a wonderful cook and always made sure we had hot, huge meals on the table everyday.  She cooks like a southern lady should and a meal without home made biscuits was a meal that was incomplete.  My dad has never been over weight.  He is one of those annoying people that only eats so he won't be hungry.  Upon opening his kitchen cabinets you will find sparse amounts of food and if there is any "junk" food it is the occasional box of Little Debbie cakes.  To him people are fat because they are weak and he judges people based on their size.  You can almost understand why a marriage between these two could not be expected to last.  She the food loving cook and he the man with a need to eat basis attitude.

I have been over weight all of my adult life. This is not uncommon or suprising in some way because of my DNA and from what I have observed most of America is above the recommended number on the scales.  My love of food came not only from having a mother that prepared and served wonderful butter enriched, carb loaded and fried concoctions but also from having a grandmother that thought "eating a bite" was the best thing a person could do to soothe their soul, pass the time or show gratitude.  She let me eat what I wanted when I wanted and it made her happy to see me eat and enjoy something she had placed before me.  I am not blaming these wonderful women for my obesity but just giving them credit for passing on the love of food.  I eat because I love food.  It is my best friend and my worst enemy all at the same time. 

As a child I was a fairly normal size and I think that was because I stayed pretty active.  I rode bikes, swam, rode horses and played outside as much as possible.  By the time I was in my teens I was over weight but it was not severe. My self image included the idea that I was fat and yet looking back at photos I see how wrong I was about that.  By my second year of college I was to a point of needing to beconcerned about my weight and I clearly remember stepping on the scales and realizing that I was at my heaviest in my life. I am five nine and I weighed 220 pounds.   At 22 I had my first child and my memory fails me as to what I weighed then but at 32 I was tipping the scales at 275.  It was then I decided to do something about my weight and drastically changed my eating habits, types of food and activity level.  I started in Jan. and by June had dropped 65 pounds.  During that summer I slowly slipped off of the healthy lifestyle wagon.  By August I was adding pounds back to my weight and exercise did not fit my schedule anymore. 

At age 34 I found out that I am a diabetic.  This was not shocking because my mother is diabetic, her sister is diabetic and both of their parents were diabetic.  It stood to reason that I too would be afflected.  I went to work to change those nasty eating habits once more and right away I lost 35 pounds.  Of course I just could not completely let go of the chocolate splurges and carb feasts so even though my diabetes stayed in check with meds I continued to eat unhealthy foods and not exercise regularly.  Just before my 36th birthday I found myself looking at 252 on the scales.  That is when my husband, Chris, said the words that have changed my life.

"Honey, I want to join Weight Watchers."  These were the words he looked into my eyes and uttered.  I was absolutely overjoyed to hear him say that.  My handsome, wonderful husband is 6 feet 5 inches tall and weighed in at 453 pounds.  If any two people needed to make life changes it was certainly us. 

As of today we are in our 13th week of WW and I have shed 38.4 pounds, Chris has melted off 67 pounds and my mom has even joined in and is going to meetings too.  We have become a family on a mission to get control of our health and well being.  I am determined to become fit and healthy and to show my children that you can go through your whole life making healthy chioces. 

This blog is my attempt to keep record of my journey.  I can not promise a masterpiece just an honest account of my feelings, ideas, ups and downs.